On the desperate need of finding a partner

3 Ways to Stop Feeling Desperate when You're Single - wikiHow

One of the things that is very difficult for signal men and women – is finding a partner. And this is getting to be more difficult the more their age advances, and thus the outside appearance becomes less attractive.

But also in younger age, when the attractiveness is reasonable plus, the difficulties are still great.

And not just the difficulties in finding a partner, but mainly the suffering they experience in them, as result of this absence of a partner; this absence is sitting in their heart and soul as a casting concrete, it is burdensome, weighty. 

And also, dating is full of ups and downs, like a roller coaster. In about 90% of the dates, there are frustrations, heartaches, disappointments, even depression.

When a person succeeds in finding a partner, he usually forgets the difficulties when he was signal, but whoever is left in the race is continuing to suffer.

So far, things are known, but exactly here it is so easy to fall into the trap of taking it for granted: ‘it is clear that they are suffering, they are alone, after all, isn’t it?’ or: ‘it is no pleasure to be alone’, or: ‘every person wants to raise a family’. But the great suffering of those who are alone do not get a sufficient explanation from these clenches. 

Why? Why is suffering so great?

And what is meant here is not the difficulty in finding a partner, but the reason for the degree of distress about the absence of a partner. And the reason for it is not in the seen but in the unseen.

Well, straight from the beginning, it is possible to divide all the needs of a partner into two: real and imaginary. 

Like in hunger: there is real hunger and imaginary hunger, so it is in the need for a partner.  

What is common to the hunger for food and the one for a partner is- that in both, the imaginary hunger is more powerful than the real one… 

The imaginary need is more violent, it is to do, mainly, with his self -view, where it’s center of gravity is the ego.

The real need is quieter and is coming from a much deeper place. This need could be lived with like in a real hunger, 

In a state of a real need for being part of a couple, there is not room for many preferences about who will be the partner. There is hardly a matter of taste preference, but mainly a deep, long and quiet – need. A need that could be lived with, and who the partner is, is less important, providing the partner is not out of the borders of attraction, appearance, and the right age and so on. 

And back to the analogy of real hunger; real hunger comes out of lack of food in the stomach, whereas, in imaginary hunger what is in need is the brain’s need for stimulation and the taste buds.

In imaginary hunger – not all food is welcomed, only food that its level of stimulation is greater than other foods (mostly, junk food), and in real hunger almost any reasonable food will be good to satisfy hunger.  

In real need the center of gravity is the soul and in the imaginary one, the center of gravity are the infantile emotions. 

Real need comes from a space calling to be filed, whereas in the imaginary one the need comes from a need for powerful stimulation. And here, when the partner arrives and is not supplying a strong enough stimulation, or doesn’t fit the particular shade of the fantasies – we leave and look for other partners. 

And still in the imaginary field; if we do meet someone which is what we were looking for, but they are not attracted to us – then there is a whole melodrama, or shall we say: telenovela – is happening to us, the whole system is getting into high pressure and stress; it is like the end of the world… 

We have here (in the imaginary field) two ends which are very far from each other; being attracted but not getting a mutual attraction from the other side: melodrama. And on the other hand when we are attracted to him or her less than they are attracted to us: disappointment.

In the imaginary needing there is a lethal mix:

  1. The fantasies are flying high and are without any monitoring. 
  2.  A self-image which threatens to crash if the desired partner will refuse or abandon. The ego gets into personal involvement when getting rejected.

And it is difficult to believe that all this dramas are happening around an unreal need… we would have thought the opposite; that out hysteria is in direct relation to how real it is; But it is the other way around; the more real is the need – so does the drama and hysteria are lesser. 

In the imaginary need it is our wild and identifying emotions that steal the show. Like the taste buds in hunger, the over-existing emotions steal the show from the deep need that comes from the soul.

And it is not that the need on the level of the soul diapers when the screaming emotions jump and scream, but its voice is getting lost under the noise of the emotions. 

In the imaginary field there is a complete loss of proportions; if there is no partner – nothing else is important.

In the imaginary field there is a high degree of rejection, it is like a hungry man eating lettuce, and because his hunger does not come from an empty stomach – the lettuce does not satisfy his ‘hunger’.

In the imaginary need there is a swing between disappointments and heartbreak, but in the real one there is no swing between opposite poles, here there is a quiet middle line, there is pain but it is in the midst of a quiet and lack.

In real hunger one can wait, but with a hunger that comes from the brain it is not possible to delay immediate satisfaction.

The absence of a partner on the soul level creates a silent sadness, and on the emotional infantile level it creates a great anxiety.


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