On difficulties and traumas


Usually it’s only a matter of time until a crisis is crashing on you, and it checks the strength of your structure. When the crisis hits, the whole system is going thrghu a rattle and shake, a shake that very often becomes an avalanche, from that point, it’s a short way till the tower of your life is falling down.
And every time the crisis comes, it comes too early and too often than we expected.
It is amazing to see that beyond our appearance lays great fragileness, and how easy it is to break us down. a gust of wind, some one friction in your life, someone said something, some one ignored your words, some one proffered another upon you, other succeeded where you failed, people you love denied you, the opinion of the others on you has changed for bad, you are not in the same position, your popularity is fading down, you loved some one and he didn’t replayed, at work they are not happy with you, some one said something bad behind your back, and so on and on, as many as the stars.
And it is so easy to go with this wave, to let it carry you on his way to ruin and burry everything you built since the last wave.
Thru the eyes of this raging stigma on its way to the temple of your eyes, everything suddenly becomes useless and empty from meaning and quality.
Yesterday you could have lived with a feeling your inner golden being is shining on the world, you and yourself were hugging each other with love and care, and you were with in peace with yourself, you were accepting yourself with such love. and latter on, you look at your self , away from yourself, with cold accusing and alienated eyes. Because suddenly it is here, without no warning, it is here: “you are not ok”, and it doesn’t matter what happened outside, what are the accusations towards you and if there is any proportion between the accusation and the intensity of your shrinking. Once it comes to you from the outer world it means only one thing: you need to operate the self destruction mechanism.
It usually starts with small bits of self doubting, and that what makes the demolition.
It’s not the accusation towards you, it’s not the dumping of close friend, it’s not something you screwed up, its not a promise you couldn’t make, no, it is you who comes to kill yourself.
It’s your interpretation to all the above, that becomes a death gunshot that called “I’m not ok”.
Once the mud that has been thrown to you is penetrating you, it burry all your diamonds under this accusation, as if they were not exist at all.
In fact, after the destructive wave, those diamonds were never there, it is so obvious now that all the time you deceived yourself. Thru the eyes of “I’m not ok”- nothing can survive.
It usually begins with a stigma coming to you after the embarrassing failure, or the hit, and than its enough with a small step towards accepting the stigma and the whole self esteem collapse.
The self destructor cannot see he is fighting himself, he does it with joining-in to the stigma that blows from outside.
he feel as if right now he is checking himself thru the objective eye of reality, instead of understanding what he does is destroying all that precious in his hall, he is taking a hummer and ruins the great mahogany table in the living room, the lamp he brought from far away, the plants he is taking care for so long, the tableware, everything is breaking down when you check your self thru the eye of this accusation from outside.
It’s a scene from ‘the trail’/ Kafka, some one unknown, ‘them’ are blaming you, in something not so clear, and right away you are guilty, ‘they’ know, ‘they’ are right, ‘they’ are judging, and I am ‘guilty’, I always guilty.
There is no other way is can go.
Eventually I check myself thru the eyes of the ‘them’, I always will be guilty, I mean, how can I be right when ‘they’ are so many?, ‘they’ are the majority, I am nothing but one, I must be wrong, again I’m not worth any, again the truth about me has revealed.
And true, once in a while is comes, ugly, murky, powerful, dynamic and uncompromising- the huge wave of self doubting, the ‘self examination’.
And it is not an examination at all, it’s a well known verdict that disguise it self to a self examination in the name of justice and truth so called.
And when is it coming? Always when we are swimming in the great ocean of happiness and peace, it is always there, a breath take from us.
It is always there and always will be out side (it is always outside) something that might show us in a less bright light.
We do not crush usually, the stroke is in the air, it never hit us- unless we take it inside. But than we do the horrible act: we take this Trojan horse inside and we check ourselves.
We think we check our selves, we think we come in the name of objectivity, but it is not objectivity, it is an 1 ton explosive dynamite you take inside.
It’s not a check, it is a huge burst of self accusation, of self pity, self angry, being hurt and insulted, and at the background waiting quietly the depression, he will show up when the dust of the ruins will sink a bit.
Than you look at your self and all you see is a small dirty rug. Yesterday you were talking about the meaning of life, about happiness, friendships, care and love. You had the feeling every part of your life has the right to exist.
And now? Who are you? You are just about to excusing everyone for bothering them with your existence; you know you are nothing but nothing.
And when it all pass, the accusations, the emotional involving, the identification, the depression, when you are over it all and you look back at what began it all, it doesn’t looks so bad, and you go back to your skin and your regular self esteem, to your usual life.
But the damage has been done. The self esteem has crushed, it is as high as the grass now, and entire inner life structure has vaporized, nothing has left, and you need to build your self from the beginning.
But building of positive self esteem and inner life takes so long and it will never come to the point when they will be strong and stable enough, because the next wave will always comes to erase the little you managed to build.
And than again from the beginning, in between the dust and ruins,
And so it goes again and again.
But it doesn’t have to be so.
You can let this wave erase your inner world. But on the other hand you can turn your back to this wave, to stand in this burst, back up yourself, denying this attack that threaten to shake the structure of your life.
But you need a great strength to stand against the attack, to block the hit and not to let it in. to armor yourself for the next attack, and not to join in (and by that point our armory towards ourselves). There is a great difficulty especially in this part. To be able to turn your back to the accusation or objection, and to stand in favor of out fragile-self, to back it up, to be with him. To say before and after all: “I’m ok”
And it is very difficult, because the accusation disguise itself to the messenger of the majority, of the ‘them’. And who am I the little one to stand against them all?
Many people back up them selves from outside.
They managed to block the society and humans beats thru external shield.
They do it by masks, position(at work), status, degree, manipulations, suppressing, denying, imaginary stories they believe in, power and dominance that makes other people admire them and by that they set the wall between the accusations and them.
But the doubt is ambushing, and one day when all the defense walls will crash and it will get inside, and than nothing will left.
So people are generally divided to 3 major groups regarding the way they deal with crises:
1- Those who crash with every hit and accusation. 30%
2- Those who doesn’t crush because they built external defenses. 60%
3- Those who do not crush because they have the inner back-up. 5-10%
The majority has built external defenses, less people crush every crisis, and there are very few who back-up them selves in a crisis.
And that is the hardest part, to back up yourself when you are being exanimate by the outside.
It is really hard to be your own brother, some one to trust when trouble comes.

Gabriel raam
Translation : Gilad sitton
The description and meaning of the tarot card ‘the falling tower’. no.16

Description: A large tower is struck by lightning, flames roar out of its windows and a man and woman are thrown from its heights, toppling to the ground.
Meaning: sudden change, downfall, disruption, disaster
Violent and sudden change resulting in personal loss. This card reversed can also mean imprisonment, either mental and physical. Matters cannot be improved immediately but freedom will come eventually at a cost.
after the Death card and the Devil, The Tower is likely to be the card that causes most fear and consternation. It’s hard to find a positive side to this card, however, it tells you that the unexpected shock and upheaval of events will create new opportunities and make you a stronger and wiser person
The Tower represents sudden and sometimes shocking changes in events and can often represent problems or delays relating to your home or the purchasing of home
whether material or emotional upset, this card encourages you to see that such upheavals can force new directions that can be more beneficial
negatively The Tower represents unnecessary suffering. You may be falsely accused of something and suffer some form of imprisonment or isolation, or you may be the one causing the shock and change with a rebellious attitude
Divinatory meaning
Upright – Disruption. Conflict. Change. Sudden violent loss. Overthrow of an existing way of life. Major changes. Disruption of well worn routines. Ruin and disturbance. Dramatic upheaval. change of residence or job sometimes both at once. Widespread repercussions of actions. In the end, enlightenment and freedom.
Ill Dignified or Reversed – Negativity. Restriction of desires and imprisonment. Less sever forms of the above. Drastic change that may rob the individual of freedom of expression. Sometimes bankruptcy and imprisonment. more usually imprisonment within a set of circumstances which cannot currently be altered. Sudden changes out of one’s control. Less sever forms of the above

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