Being emotionally hurt: chapter number 7

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                                                                                                                                     There is a strange phenomenon concerning E.H.  The ones most venerable are most cautious, but not only that it doesn’t protect them, but strangely enough – it draws fire towards them…

This cautiousness is presented as a consideration towards the other. But why is it that this cautiousness doesn’t give to the potential offender the feeling that he is being treated with care (concideration).                                                                                                   

What happens here is a kind of Vertigo (referred originally to the pilot losing his orientation; down seems to him to be: up, and up seems to him to be: down). Meaning that the emotionally venerable is sure that he is decreasing the danger of being hurt (by being careful), but this carefulness creates in the other a feeling that he is weak, which releases out of him the instinct of the hunter. (In nature- injury or weakness are signs that the injured is a candidate for becoming a victim). 

E.H. flourishes in an environment of negative dynamic, but when there is between the two an atmosphere of positive dynamic and intimacy – it decreases the possibility of getting hurt – to minimum.

There is one more factor here; when in negative dynamic, every response from the other could be interpreted in a bad way, for example; carefulness could be perceived as passive aggressive, which would lead to an attack on the sensitive person. When there is lack of intimacy and positive dynamic – between the two, all which the other transmits would be perceived in a challenging way.

The combination of negative dynamic with over cautiousness form the venerable person, would be interrupted by the forceful person as weakness. (And thus being a subject for attack).

The sensitive one is amazed how come his consideration is getting an attack from the other. And then they develop a kind of ‘full stomach’ towards the offender. Together with his hurt feelings he feels that an injustice is done to them.

An important word here is: alienation, this is very common amongst people in our time, if instead of the wide spread alienation there would be warmth, and empathy – there would not be the cautiousness from the side of the potential victim. We live in an alienated environment, lacking in human warmth, this is a fertile ground of the growth of hostility. The highly sensitive will experience the alienation as carrying in it a potential of threat.

He is convinced that his considering approach will be received by others as giving space, even of respect, for he sacrifices here his own personal space in order not to step on other’s feet. And paradoxically, he is being hurt twice; one is the pain of being hurt, and the other is the injustice he feels by him getting bad attitude as a response to his good one.  

There is a catch here, the sensitive is sure that his cautiousness will decrease the aggression but he only strengthens it, and he doesn’t understand why, but this does not decrease his cautiousness, he will be even more cautious…

If a person keeps falling to the same E.H. traps – he must first of all disconnect from his identification from his E.H. It is like what happiness in an electrical shock; he gets glued to the source of the electrocution, and must disconnect from it. 

But it is not simple for all of our culture educates us (informally) to give yourself up to the experience, to identify.  In fact we cling to the identification and this is because of fear, a fear that if we would look at ourselves in a non-identified view -– many skeletons will come out of the closet, skeletons we cannot cope with. But the truth is that it is the opposite; for looking at yourself from an unidentified point of view – decrease the size of the skeletons to minimum, and so, they are much less frightening. 

But there is a danger here; if after looking at himself from the outside (non-identified) – he returns to the identification before the process of disconnection from identification is completely – his situation will be much worse, for the partial awareness only gives power to the hurt emotions – if the process of disconnection from identification – was not completed.

Also, what is making it so difficult for the vulnerable person to overcome being hurt all the time is: patterns. During the years he keeps getting hurt, this repetition is causing a kind engraved pattern; it is enough that he is getting hurt again, and he ‘falls’ into the existing engraved pattern, which means that once the hurt is in a pattern –it goes on automatically and ends up in the same devastated position of before. 

This state of E.H. is effecting not only the emotions, but also the brain and the mind; the thinking became so effected by the hurt that it goes on and on, in a circle, cannot stop thinking about the hurt.

If it is difficult to stop the E.H. – it is not so difficult to stop the thinking loop; the solution is a mantra (a word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation), repeating the Mantra again and again, shifts the center of gravity from the recurring thought and thus disconnects the thinking loop. In other words; the way to stop thinking about one thing – is to concentrate on another.

Quotes:

“Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I’m supposed to do right now. Right now I can’t sleep. It’s right now that I can’t eat. Right now I still hear his voice and sense his presence even though I know he’s not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now.”
Nina Guilbeau, Too Many Sisters

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“Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.”
Vironika Tugaleva

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“I will kill myself soon. But until then how do l tame my pain?”
Sonali Deraniyagala, Wave

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“Beneath anger, there are hurt feelings.”
Yong Kang Chan, Parent Yourself Again: Love Yourself the Way You Have Always Wanted to Be Loved

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“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.”
George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

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“The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.”
Nicholas Sparks

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“You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

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“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.”
Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

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“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Manon, Ballerina

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Quotes:

I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. 

C.S. Lewis.

“Just because one person’s problem is less traumatic than another’s doesn’t mean they’re required to hurt less“

J.A. Redmerski

“Those who really love you don’t mean to hurt you and if they do, you “can’t see it in their eyes but it hurts them too“. 

Holly Black

“It is when we hurt that we learn”.      

Steve Maraboli

“The surest way to hurt yourself is to give up on love, just because it didn’t work out the first time“. 

Amanda Howells

“Just because somebody is strong enough to handle pain doesn’t mean they deserve it“.      

Unknown

“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world. But you do have some say in who hurts you“. 

John Green

“Do you know the feeling, when your heart is so hurt, that you could feel the blood dripping? “ 

Lady Gaga

“Being hurt by someone you truly care about leaves a hole in you heart that only love can fill. “ 

George Bernard Shaw

“Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing’s wrong, but every breath hurts“.      

Greg Behrendt

“There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me“.      

Jonathan Safran Foer

“The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected“.      

Nicholas Sparks

“It hurts to have someone in your heart that you can’t have in your arms“. 

Unknown

“I still own my heart, which I know because it hurts so much“. 

Emilie Autumn

“If someone really wants to hurt you, they’ll find a way whatever. I don’t want to live my life worrying about it.      

George Michael

“It doesn’t hurt to feel sad from time to time.      

Willie Nelson

“That old saying, how you always hurt the one you love, well, it works both ways. 

Chuck Palahniuk 

“Sometimes, being hurt too many times, doesn’t make you stronger, it destroy who you were, who you wanted to be and makes who you are today. 

Rafael Prado

“It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt. 

Zakiya Caswell

“A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child. 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

When someone stabs you it’s not your fault that you feel pain. 

Louise Penny

“Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you. 

Shannon L. Alder

“Two barrels of tears will not heal a bruise. 

Chinese Proverb

“I can feel the hurt. There’s something good about it. Mostly it makes me stop remembering.      

Albert Borris

“He who is or has been deeply hurt has a RIGHT to be sure he is LOVED. 

Jean Vanier

“If you’re in trouble, or hurt or need — go to the poor people. They’re the only ones that’ll help — the only ones. 

John Steinbeck

“What hurts us is what heals us. 

Paulo Coelho

“As one grows weaker one is less susceptible to suffering. There is less hurt because there is less to hurt. “      

Jack London

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